SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it