Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously

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*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”


[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there


“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly


Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.


Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.


A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.


[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.


Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”


I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.


I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”