*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously
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[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
M: I accept.
Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”