I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
You Might Also Like
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
O Wise One….
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion