Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty