Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow