Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I think about this a lot
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink