Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.