Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?