Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.