Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

*changing sex positions*

ok now let’s do a silly one

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Previously On Persistence 😎

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.