Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Any refunds available?…
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*