Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock