Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
kitchen magnet
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?