Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired tomorrow.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that