Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.