sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!