sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
What?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
