sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Sell your car
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.