Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Make me look younger
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?