Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

cyclists

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.