Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
The answer is funnier than the question
Yes, this is exactly right
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
*jazz hands*
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day