Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Seems legit
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you