Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.