Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.