Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.