Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair