Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap