Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Don’t tell me what to do
Only a mother’s love …
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here