Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
knights of the ikea table
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Ha
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.