Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok