Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*