Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge