Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
shakira sharkira
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!