Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Who chose this font
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float