Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Breaking news:

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.