Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School