Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.