Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ