You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You Might Also Like
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The biggest mystery of our time
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD