Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?