Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.