Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Monday Lisa
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor