Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.