Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.