Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
That 👊
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place