Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
We decided to have money instead of children.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I needed a laugh this morning.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Haha good job!!
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.