Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.