Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.