Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
You Might Also Like
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
respect
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
all bases covered
