Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Freaky Friday 2:

The mom and daughter switch bodies again

The mom doesn’t go back

She keeps stealing children’s bodies

She lives forever

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.