Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Where’s my employee discount too?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Anime is real
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
every. time.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.