Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls