Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.