Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.