Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
that colleague who touches your screen
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?