Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
fired
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.