Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
