Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.