Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

he chose this

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️