Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude