Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.