Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uh oh

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.