Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal