Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.