Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
What happened to the other hiker??!
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”