Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
for all #parents out there
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.