Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*