Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
You Might Also Like
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Meowchelangelo
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“