Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
You Might Also Like
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.