Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.