Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
This is sending me to another galaxy
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
