Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

There is no try. There is only give up.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven