Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
i would wish you the best but i am the best
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
WWE is French for “yes”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The little toadstool has spoken.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.