Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

how to exercise your calf muscles

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?