Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
being a writer on Twitter:
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
My last name is Zilla.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan