Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
☺️
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.