Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

subtitles are so good nowadays

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.