sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Damn what did I do next
Not helping
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live